I have undergone chemotherapy (and I am still not finished with it). The side effects are many and not worth mentioning, but they all contribute to make it one of the worst experiences of my life, if not the very worst. Everybody has been sick and everybody has or will have to go through hospital stays during a lifetime, but I have never experienced something that mentally has picked me apart, piece by piece, the way this treatment has. It's not only about the pain, nauseousness and apathy that usually kicks in, it's the knowledge that they are injecting poison into your body. The hair grows back, the blood levels will be restored, the pain will go away, but the fear of having to go through this again will never disappear.
I am optimistic about the future, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am eagerly anticipating it. This passage in life has changed me forever. I miss things I never thought about before. I want things that I did not bother about before. Most importantly, I want my life back.
I have a few weeks left of this before I can consider it to be over. At least for this time. From now on I will have to accept that life will be looking differently. I will have to get used to regular CAT scan sessions, monthly blood sample analysis and frequent doctor appointments.
It's when something like this happens that you realize what life really is about. I have learned and I am still learning. It's when something like this happens that you learn to let things (in many cases people and different feelings) go, things you never really needed. These things are so insignificant after all of this.
The future will be bright. That is my ambition. I have done all I can to set that base. Whatever happens from now on is out of my hands, but still I have the feeling that the future will be bright.
Thank you for reading.
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