Back home

After a little more than three months, I am back in Sweden for a few weeks. The Christmas holidays are here and we are all taking a break from studying (oh well...) for some time with our families and friends.

In a larger perspective, three months is really nothing. I feel like these three months have been one months at the very most. I have dealt with many challenges this fall (and winter), and I am still battling many challenges (just like most normal people). Echoes from my past dare me to fight and I am haunted by nightmares. I don't want to make this sound as if I am going through something extraordinary, because this is how my life has been for some time now. I wake up almost every night, sweating and frightened by similar patterns and messages that I receive through my dreams. I don't know how long it will take for me to be rid of fear, disappointment and the anger that I am bearing, but I try to move on by embracing the good things in life.

Being home means no surprises, and that is a good thing I guess. You know what to expect and what to focus on. I always have a good feeling about returning home, but I must admit that I am feeling more and more tempted to try my wings elsewhere after my return to Sweden this summer. Right now I am not really looking forward to returning to Linköping for the concluding chapter of my studies. Being abroad has helped me a lot, despite the bad memories from last year and everything that happened back then. I see more and more friends from elementary- or high school settling down in the suburbs of Stockholm, some of them even with newborns in one hand. I cannot see myself anywhere near such life at the moment, it is something I want to avoid as things are right now.

It is Christmas times, meaning a lot of stress and expenses (I am very cynical today). It (could) mean being close to your loved ones and enjoying a very cozy and rewarding chapter of the year. Probably for the first time ever, I just want to be alone, in peace and without any pressure or disturbance. I have not told many friends about being back home, and that has nothing to do about my feelings for my friends. I have just had the toughest year in my life and I have been close to death on more than one occasion during this year. I need to find myself again. When I return to Sweden this summer, I want to have something to be happy about, because right now I am not sure I do.