A Friday without any action

A colleague of mine asked me why bloggers existed. He told me that he regarded the whole blog cult as something stupid and that it was a pure waste of time, both to have one but also to read one. If I had the same view on this topic I wouldn't have had this one up for almost three and a half years, but I have to agree with him when it comes to some issues about blogging. There's too much shit and subjective thinking (for no good reason) uploaded. That's naturally the whole idea with blogging, that each and every one should have a voice in cyberspace. And of course there are both one and two (and even more) exceptions of "good" blogs. At least I know that most of my readers resent one of my biggest passions (and one of the most frequent topics on this blog: Football!). I can't help to laugh at that :).

It's Friday night, it's raining and I have a horrible headache. I feel sick and I had to cancel some plans that I had made with a friend tonight. I can hear the rain drumming on my window and the sky has a strange and boring color. The wind blows through the small opening from the window, and it chills the room down. Not long ago I was sweating from the heat. I think autumn is here now, and I think I have missed it without knowing it myself.

On Monday uni starts again in Linköping, and I believe that most of the people that I said goodbye to a little more than one year ago now are back in town for the fourth (and last) full academic year in Linköping. I feel very sad that I can't be there with them to begin the last phase of my studies. I feel sad because I know that I did not have long left (and I guess I still don't). On the other hand I am looking forward to going back to Austria because it has been something that I felt that I had to do for myself, both in terms of experiences but also because it was important to me to be with my girlfriend again. I did not have to return to Austria, it was my own decision.

While I feel weird about not returning to Linköping this weekend, I almost feel sad (already) about the fact that I'm "only" staying one year in Austria (once again twisted thinking). I see challenges as something stimulating normally, but for the moment I just feel reserved and slightly worried. I don't know what to expect of life after one year in Austria (and a continuing life + relationship in Linköping in one year from now). It's strange how one can be sad and worried about something that hasn't happened yet, but it tells me something. It tells me to appreciate the opportunity that is approaching me now. It tells me to enjoy it as much as possible, because one can never be sure how long things in life will last. My recent experiences have taught me that very well.

Aside from that, I guess things are going OK at the moment. I've been worse so to speak.
And I have felt how much my life has changed during the last three years. I feel how I have changed as a person as well. When I look back two years in time, I would never want to change it to how I have it today, and I think this is the first time that I've felt like this about life. I'm usually the nostalgic type who looks back, remembers and misses the past. Not anymore, and a lot of it has to do with the wonderful people I have met during the last year. Even though I have had a living hell with my disease and other misfortunes, I still dare to say that it's better now than it was then. When I look back at friendships that existed and that don't today, I feel some kind of satisfaction - the bad relations are now gone and replaced with fewer ones - those that really mean something. People I used to sacrifice a lot for are now out of the picture, and I intend to keep it that way.

So, I miss my old life and at the same time I don't! I miss my old friends and at the same time I don't! I don't know how my life will look like in one year. All I know is that it will feel very empty. It will feel very difficult and it will be a challenge, just like everything else has been a challenge the last few years. The outcome of all these things are impossible to predict, but I am hopeful to not feel any emptiness in one year from now. I am hopeful that I will return to Linköping with strength and inspiration to finish my "cathedral" (as my rector so beautifully put it). I am hopeful that I won't be lonely. I hope that I can look back at this year as the best year of my life.

It has stopped raining now.