I'm watching PSV Einhoven vs Ajax Amsterdam on TV. It's Sunday and it is once again very cold outside. It's Sunday and once again a day with feelings of disillusion and confusion. I still can't let it go - uni starts tomorrow. I'm already tired of seeing all the status updates on facebook and the twittering on this subject.
This has been a very short summer. There has not been many opportunities to see friends on a regular basis. Everybody is busy with their own lives, obligations and relations. A very clear message and sign is that this is a new phase in life. This is one of the most obvious proofs that I and the people around me now are adults. I saw on facebook that two of my old classmates from middleschool are pregnant, and there are already several others from my old class that are parents today, at the age of 21-22. Good or bad, this is the truth. I can honestly not see myself somewhere near a life like that for the coming years. There are so many things I want to experience before those kinds of things and before heavier commitments in life. That's just the way I am.
This lost year feels so wasted in some strange way, although there has been a lot of learning for me during this time. No doubt. But still it is always some source of disappointment and frustration in the middle of all of this, something that annoys me deep down inside. Annoying but there's not much to do about it.
The game just ended. PSV won 4 goals to 3.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
A Friday without any action
A colleague of mine asked me why bloggers existed. He told me that he regarded the whole blog cult as something stupid and that it was a pure waste of time, both to have one but also to read one. If I had the same view on this topic I wouldn't have had this one up for almost three and a half years, but I have to agree with him when it comes to some issues about blogging. There's too much shit and subjective thinking (for no good reason) uploaded. That's naturally the whole idea with blogging, that each and every one should have a voice in cyberspace. And of course there are both one and two (and even more) exceptions of "good" blogs. At least I know that most of my readers resent one of my biggest passions (and one of the most frequent topics on this blog: Football!). I can't help to laugh at that :).
It's Friday night, it's raining and I have a horrible headache. I feel sick and I had to cancel some plans that I had made with a friend tonight. I can hear the rain drumming on my window and the sky has a strange and boring color. The wind blows through the small opening from the window, and it chills the room down. Not long ago I was sweating from the heat. I think autumn is here now, and I think I have missed it without knowing it myself.
On Monday uni starts again in Linköping, and I believe that most of the people that I said goodbye to a little more than one year ago now are back in town for the fourth (and last) full academic year in Linköping. I feel very sad that I can't be there with them to begin the last phase of my studies. I feel sad because I know that I did not have long left (and I guess I still don't). On the other hand I am looking forward to going back to Austria because it has been something that I felt that I had to do for myself, both in terms of experiences but also because it was important to me to be with my girlfriend again. I did not have to return to Austria, it was my own decision.
While I feel weird about not returning to Linköping this weekend, I almost feel sad (already) about the fact that I'm "only" staying one year in Austria (once again twisted thinking). I see challenges as something stimulating normally, but for the moment I just feel reserved and slightly worried. I don't know what to expect of life after one year in Austria (and a continuing life + relationship in Linköping in one year from now). It's strange how one can be sad and worried about something that hasn't happened yet, but it tells me something. It tells me to appreciate the opportunity that is approaching me now. It tells me to enjoy it as much as possible, because one can never be sure how long things in life will last. My recent experiences have taught me that very well.
Aside from that, I guess things are going OK at the moment. I've been worse so to speak.
And I have felt how much my life has changed during the last three years. I feel how I have changed as a person as well. When I look back two years in time, I would never want to change it to how I have it today, and I think this is the first time that I've felt like this about life. I'm usually the nostalgic type who looks back, remembers and misses the past. Not anymore, and a lot of it has to do with the wonderful people I have met during the last year. Even though I have had a living hell with my disease and other misfortunes, I still dare to say that it's better now than it was then. When I look back at friendships that existed and that don't today, I feel some kind of satisfaction - the bad relations are now gone and replaced with fewer ones - those that really mean something. People I used to sacrifice a lot for are now out of the picture, and I intend to keep it that way.
So, I miss my old life and at the same time I don't! I miss my old friends and at the same time I don't! I don't know how my life will look like in one year. All I know is that it will feel very empty. It will feel very difficult and it will be a challenge, just like everything else has been a challenge the last few years. The outcome of all these things are impossible to predict, but I am hopeful to not feel any emptiness in one year from now. I am hopeful that I will return to Linköping with strength and inspiration to finish my "cathedral" (as my rector so beautifully put it). I am hopeful that I won't be lonely. I hope that I can look back at this year as the best year of my life.
It has stopped raining now.
It's Friday night, it's raining and I have a horrible headache. I feel sick and I had to cancel some plans that I had made with a friend tonight. I can hear the rain drumming on my window and the sky has a strange and boring color. The wind blows through the small opening from the window, and it chills the room down. Not long ago I was sweating from the heat. I think autumn is here now, and I think I have missed it without knowing it myself.
On Monday uni starts again in Linköping, and I believe that most of the people that I said goodbye to a little more than one year ago now are back in town for the fourth (and last) full academic year in Linköping. I feel very sad that I can't be there with them to begin the last phase of my studies. I feel sad because I know that I did not have long left (and I guess I still don't). On the other hand I am looking forward to going back to Austria because it has been something that I felt that I had to do for myself, both in terms of experiences but also because it was important to me to be with my girlfriend again. I did not have to return to Austria, it was my own decision.
While I feel weird about not returning to Linköping this weekend, I almost feel sad (already) about the fact that I'm "only" staying one year in Austria (once again twisted thinking). I see challenges as something stimulating normally, but for the moment I just feel reserved and slightly worried. I don't know what to expect of life after one year in Austria (and a continuing life + relationship in Linköping in one year from now). It's strange how one can be sad and worried about something that hasn't happened yet, but it tells me something. It tells me to appreciate the opportunity that is approaching me now. It tells me to enjoy it as much as possible, because one can never be sure how long things in life will last. My recent experiences have taught me that very well.
Aside from that, I guess things are going OK at the moment. I've been worse so to speak.
And I have felt how much my life has changed during the last three years. I feel how I have changed as a person as well. When I look back two years in time, I would never want to change it to how I have it today, and I think this is the first time that I've felt like this about life. I'm usually the nostalgic type who looks back, remembers and misses the past. Not anymore, and a lot of it has to do with the wonderful people I have met during the last year. Even though I have had a living hell with my disease and other misfortunes, I still dare to say that it's better now than it was then. When I look back at friendships that existed and that don't today, I feel some kind of satisfaction - the bad relations are now gone and replaced with fewer ones - those that really mean something. People I used to sacrifice a lot for are now out of the picture, and I intend to keep it that way.
So, I miss my old life and at the same time I don't! I miss my old friends and at the same time I don't! I don't know how my life will look like in one year. All I know is that it will feel very empty. It will feel very difficult and it will be a challenge, just like everything else has been a challenge the last few years. The outcome of all these things are impossible to predict, but I am hopeful to not feel any emptiness in one year from now. I am hopeful that I will return to Linköping with strength and inspiration to finish my "cathedral" (as my rector so beautifully put it). I am hopeful that I won't be lonely. I hope that I can look back at this year as the best year of my life.
It has stopped raining now.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Ten months
2009-08-04
Thank You for ten beautiful months! During these ten months I have faced the toughest challenges and period in my life, but at the same time I have been the luckiest guy on earth, all because of You! There is so much I would like to write and tell, but I will keep it short and sweet. I love You, and I have had the pleasure to "spend" ten wonderful months with You!
Furthermore I would like to publish the following:
Thank You for ten beautiful months! During these ten months I have faced the toughest challenges and period in my life, but at the same time I have been the luckiest guy on earth, all because of You! There is so much I would like to write and tell, but I will keep it short and sweet. I love You, and I have had the pleasure to "spend" ten wonderful months with You!
Furthermore I would like to publish the following:
- Söderstadion could be the most pathetic stadium I have ever seen, equal to Bårsta IP during its prime time. BUT, the atmosphere and the pressure that the supporters created was strong and mighty. Hammarby deserves a new arena.
- The stewards at Söderstadion should all apply for jobs at FBI or CIA. Their security- and safety regulations are more complex than those of the John F. Kennedy International Airport. The asswipes forced me to leave my umbrella in a tree outside the stadium and they forced my brother to drop his bottle of Fanta. I asked the motherless idiot how a 9 year old could pose a threat to the pitch and safety with a plastic bottle, considering that there was a significant distance from our seats down to the pitch (which at the same time was protected with high nets in order to prevent footballs and other objects from flying back and forth). The idiot had no answer to that question. This could be the last time I attended a game at Söderstadion. No big loss in my opinion :).
- Djurgården lost again last night. Next year their opponents will be Falkenberg, Syrianska and Qviding!
- AIK is playing poorly but still winning and preventing any conceding goals. I saw the victory agains GAIS a week ago and it was sweet!
- I hate the retards on the trains that play music from their cellphones. This is a new phenomenon and did not exist a couple of years ago. Now they're everywhere. They are loud, they pathetic and they are nine times out of ten not even 20 yet. Stupid hairstyles, stupid beards and stupid clothes. Their stupidity makes me want to cry. Enough of Lil Wayne on the trains, cut your hair and get a fucking job!!! Grow the fuck up! Gaaaaaaaah!
- August is already here, and this summer is slowly coming to an end. I have a little more than five weeks left in Sweden before a new adventure starts. I have been counting the days and weeks for some time now, and I'm glad to be heading back again. I never got a chance to finish what I started over there, and I never got a chance to live side by side with my Nicole. That's something I will fulfill!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Some aesthetic updates
I have been tired of the usual Blogger templates for a long time and I have wanted to change the design for a couple of years now. I tried to pick one of Blogger's own templates (the blue one I had before) but it still did not look well in my eyes.
I found the current template on the internet and I have spent some time on re-programming it a little. I still don't feel 100 % satisfied with this one, but it is far more better than the boring blue template that I had before. We'll see for how long this one will last, I had some alternatives when I was picking this one, and more drastic changes could occur. If you have any comments or opinions on the template that I have chosen, please feel free to drop a line.
I found the current template on the internet and I have spent some time on re-programming it a little. I still don't feel 100 % satisfied with this one, but it is far more better than the boring blue template that I had before. We'll see for how long this one will last, I had some alternatives when I was picking this one, and more drastic changes could occur. If you have any comments or opinions on the template that I have chosen, please feel free to drop a line.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
On a sunny day in July...
The weeks in the middle of the summer have always brought me some sense of content. Even though things can be bad during these weeks, I always enjoy these weeks as some of the very best every year. I am enjoying the "elbow room". The summer is indeed beautiful.
After some time of inactivity (guess why!) I can update you with the following:
Life can be so beautiful sometimes, in the middle of the night. In the middle of the day. At dusk, at dawn. By the water when the sun sets, on the the top of the cliff where nobody can reach you. Through good times and through bad times, through misery and gloom. I know the value of one day.
After some time of inactivity (guess why!) I can update you with the following:
- I miss Nicole, she is far far away (even further than she usually is) for a while, and I miss her extremely much.
- Djurgården sucks, and their fans are more entertaining than their footballplayers at the moment.
- AIK and the pronounced (by me of course) hillbilly Mikael Stahre have both surprised me in a positive way so far this season. It was fantastic to see AIK beat IFK Göteborg last night.
- I miss Nicole.
- I feel that time is flying and I have to admit that I despite my desire for changes and a paradigm shift, don't like the fact that time is flying away.
- I still miss Nicole.
Life can be so beautiful sometimes, in the middle of the night. In the middle of the day. At dusk, at dawn. By the water when the sun sets, on the the top of the cliff where nobody can reach you. Through good times and through bad times, through misery and gloom. I know the value of one day.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Reflections
Some time has passed since my last post and a lot of thoughts have been running through my head (as usual). Life never stops to stun me. Even when I think that I have reached the zenith (regardless if it's deep or high), I always find myself falling further down or taking off ever higher. Do you get it?
A typical Swedish saying tells us that "An accident seldom comes alone". I couldn't agree more. It's difficult to know what to feel and how to feel. I have been "spoiled" with disappointments and difficulties for a very long time, and I think it's unfair. I try to keep my head up and to live "normally".
I am to face a difficult challenge shortly. I will have to go through a period of time that I don't want to enter. Still I have no choice. I am living in a constant struggle against things I don't want to be exposed to. It might sound as self pitying but it isn't.
I feel even more alienated when I look at how I see things in life compared to those around me. It's as if deviances from my way of seeing things occur in every direction I turn. It feels strange and confusing, and the question is if I am the one with a need of a perspective or if it is people around me that need to ask themselves questions like how and why.
Our brief time on this planet should teach us all one thing above everything else; To enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Worrying is an inefficient tool against problems and obstacles in life. But it isn't that easy. It is not just about black and white.
Moving on is one of the most difficult challenges I have faced. Not only in terms of forgetting and living happily, but about daring to hope for changes, about daring to encounter the past without fearing of losing the present. I'm afraid of losing both sometimes.
A typical Swedish saying tells us that "An accident seldom comes alone". I couldn't agree more. It's difficult to know what to feel and how to feel. I have been "spoiled" with disappointments and difficulties for a very long time, and I think it's unfair. I try to keep my head up and to live "normally".
I am to face a difficult challenge shortly. I will have to go through a period of time that I don't want to enter. Still I have no choice. I am living in a constant struggle against things I don't want to be exposed to. It might sound as self pitying but it isn't.
I feel even more alienated when I look at how I see things in life compared to those around me. It's as if deviances from my way of seeing things occur in every direction I turn. It feels strange and confusing, and the question is if I am the one with a need of a perspective or if it is people around me that need to ask themselves questions like how and why.
Our brief time on this planet should teach us all one thing above everything else; To enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Worrying is an inefficient tool against problems and obstacles in life. But it isn't that easy. It is not just about black and white.
Moving on is one of the most difficult challenges I have faced. Not only in terms of forgetting and living happily, but about daring to hope for changes, about daring to encounter the past without fearing of losing the present. I'm afraid of losing both sometimes.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Off to Austria
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Free
A few days ago I was told that one of the heaviest burdens that an individual could possibly bear, has been lifted off of my tired shoulders. I was too tired to even realize that the boulder that had casted a shadow on my life for some time now was gone. I was not ready to be happy. I still have my doubts.
I feel well. I want to feel well. Fear is a dark and cold shadow. Life is a long walk and I want to avoid the shadows. I can't deny that I'm a little scared. I can't deny it, I'm disappointed. But I really hope it's over now. I want to be free from this burden, this disease, this pain and this hell. Cancer is not only a deadly disease, it also kills a lot of your soul before it takes care of the rest of you. Now I'm back from hell, free from fear, destruction and illness - ready to restart life.
I feel well. I want to feel well. Fear is a dark and cold shadow. Life is a long walk and I want to avoid the shadows. I can't deny that I'm a little scared. I can't deny it, I'm disappointed. But I really hope it's over now. I want to be free from this burden, this disease, this pain and this hell. Cancer is not only a deadly disease, it also kills a lot of your soul before it takes care of the rest of you. Now I'm back from hell, free from fear, destruction and illness - ready to restart life.
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