Echoes from the past

The days are getting longer and the weather is steadily improving for every week that passes. It makes it even harder to stay inside (which is a good thing I guess). The only problem is to find something interesting and decent to do outside of the house. Everybody I know is busy with their own lives. It's either work or studies, and I have no problems with that. I just need to get my ass out today. Wherever, I don't care. I just can't sit home and wait for the day to be over anymore.

I had a few acquaintances from my past yesterday, and it struck me this morning that I am pretty affected by these acquaintances, more than I thought I would be. It can be described as a reminder of how well things were twelve months ago (and during most of 2008 as a whole), and also as a reminder of how different things are now. Not to mention that I felt slightly anxious about returning to a place where all friends are gone. There will only be strangers left. Suddenly I started to feel how much I have been missing the life as a student. I started to miss my friends from university.

I cannot see any clouds on the sky today and I feel like leaving house soon. I'll see what I'll do. There are some things I need to take care of first.

Have a nice day.

Good night Goochi.

Good morning Goochi.

Sunny Friday evening

The sun has been shining today and I have had peace and quiet. I spent a significant amount of time of the afternoon on the phone with friends that I haven't heard from the last two months, and I spent a couple of hours with an old friend, chitchatting and talking about life in the warming sunshine on this beautiful spring day.

The conclusion of the day is that life is a bitch for everyone more or less. Nobody lives a sunshine story life. It's all about how you manage to dodge through life's many mysteries and miseries. The good times are what's worth to live for, and it's also what you yourself take with you. Everything else is somehow unimportant.

Tomorrow will hopefully be another beautiful day. The sun will be shining and I will hopefully get to spend some time with friends I haven't seen in a while. Unfortunately, someone very significant won't be around me (yes, I know that I repeat this in almost every post, but it's because it means so much to me!). I miss my girlfriend and I wish that I could be with her. I miss her so much!

I think I need to make some travel planning soon. I need something to look forward to. I need an environmental change. Most importantly, I need You.

Waiting for...?

Wednesday and we're already halfway through this week (as if it matters anyway). I was supposed to have a sample of my blood examined today, but it never happened. I went to the hospital and started waiting for my turn when I realized that there were around fifty other patients waiting in line before me. Great. I tried to find another hospital nearby where I could go instead, but it wasn't possible today. The walk to and back from the hospital made me tired and I could feel how the four months of inactivity have affected my body. Another depressing reminder.

It's past eleven o'clock in the evening and I am extremely bored. I'm not feeling sleepy and I'm not in the mood to read or to watch a movie. I just miss my girl. I miss her very much.

Most of my friends complain when they have to spend more than one or two weeks with their parents (during holidays, vacations etc.). I have been around for four months and I am confused. I am grateful and happy that I have someplace to be during this situation and all. I am glad that I am being taken cared of, but you reach a certain degree of independency and privacy when you move out of your parents' joint. Moving abroad adds to your feelings of being independent. I'm not sure what to feel at the moment. I miss the tempo and independence of the past. I miss the success and the stress that came with it. At the same time I'm afraid of it and I'm sometimes completely uninterested in returning to that world. It's confusing.

Tomorrow is a new day, but I am pretty sure that it will be a day filled with insignificance and boredom. It will be filled with emptiness and there will be more time for contemplating life and its great mystery. Can't wait.

Tuesday

Another boring day. Another day filled with thoughts and desire. Another day without you. If I missed you very much yesterday, it's nothing compared to how I feel today. It's as if someone is pitching up my feelings, amplifying the experience and leaving it all to me to cope with.

Not much happened today either (surprise?). I took a walk, caught up on the latest news and here I am. It's almost eight o'clock in the evening and another day is coming to an end.

The sun did not shine today. It glimpsed at me a few times, without giving me its warming smile.

Tomorrow will be filled with absolutely nothing. I have one thing scheduled and that is to get myself to the hospital for blood sample examinations, but that's it.

Three years have now passed since since this blog was started. Three years and many reflections.

Another day is ticking away. All I can think of is you. I miss you.

The sun is not shining today. It's chilly outside and my feet are cold. I'm bored and the day will be long. The only thing I'm looking forward to is tonight's football game. For two hours I can occupy my mind with something that numbs all the surrounding shit that is bothering me. The result of the game is not even important.

Thank you for reading.

Thank You

Thank You for a wonderful week Nicole! I wish I could freeze time and that our one week together could "last" longer, but I am sure that I'll hold You in my arms soon again. I love You!

Take me far far away.

Pulverizing boulders

These passages in life. They are usually impossible to understand while you are still in them. After some time and distance, you can look back at certain periods, months, weeks or whatever and see patterns. Things become obvious. Things become mentally feasible.

(My girlfriend is going out tonight and it annoys me that I can't be with her. I'm not jealous, I'm sad.)

It's impossible to determine the length of this passage. It is just something that ends whenever it ends. I can't predict when. I can't influence its outcome. I can only try to live with it. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't say how far or close I am from it.

(This party she is going to is said to be the perfect place to find someone to hook up with, to get laid and where the liberal youth of Austria arrange their parties.)

What I want is some degree of optimistic energy. What I'm looking for is a way back to harmony. What I see is a person who is listening to echoes from the past.

(She will be drunk tonight, and she will have to walk on her own from the party, all the way back to the dorm. I wish I could make her company and hold her hand.)

I've been trying to get my body back in motion after one month of complete apathy and constant resting. I took a walk two days ago, I took a walk yesterday, I took a walk today. My feet are already fucked up with blisters. It's moving in the right direction at least. I can't describe how much I miss the gym.

(I miss her.)

I have been told that it is not always a bad thing to keep old thoughts in your head. The more you think about something, the easier it will eventually be to process it. I am trying to pulverize the heavy boulders that are blocking my way at the moment. They need to disappear so that I can move on with my life. I am looking at the past and I am looking to the future. I want to have both in this moment, and I will.

(I love her.)