Sunday, August 23, 2009
Freedom of what?
Not too long ago a lot of people were asking themselves why a Danish caricature of the prophet Mohammed stirred up such controversy around the world. Muslims around the world demanded apologies and public distancing from theses images, and people in the western world condemned such actions - seeing that as an insult to the principals of freedom of speech. Now the sovereign state of Israel demands the Swedish government to condemn an article. People are quiet and I can't hear anyone condemning such behavior, rallying for freedom of speech. And no, I'm neither a Muslim nor an opponent to Israel and the Jewish religion!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday evening in the sunny rain
Sunset, a beautiful view and peace. I never though this combination did me so good, but is something I learned to know this summer. Now that the days are shorter, the temperatures have fallen and the rain keeps pouring down, I already miss the warm and beautiful summer nights.
It's Tuesday evening and my departure to Austria is slowly approaching. I am optimistic and hopeful to have a good experience, and I also hope that I won't be unfairly treated again. Most of all I hope that I'll be rid of all feelings of confusion and disillusion. It's not inspiring in any way and it is constantly energy consuming source.
My work is slowly being rounded off and it is time to report the results of almost four months of working. It feels good and I am very happy about having the opportunity to start working earlier this year, following everything else that had happened. It really helped me in my recovering and it saved me from a mental breakdown. It felt great in the beginning to have something to do during the days and it still feels great. After months of inactivity and isolation it was wonderful to be "useful" again.
Thank you for reading.
It's Tuesday evening and my departure to Austria is slowly approaching. I am optimistic and hopeful to have a good experience, and I also hope that I won't be unfairly treated again. Most of all I hope that I'll be rid of all feelings of confusion and disillusion. It's not inspiring in any way and it is constantly energy consuming source.
My work is slowly being rounded off and it is time to report the results of almost four months of working. It feels good and I am very happy about having the opportunity to start working earlier this year, following everything else that had happened. It really helped me in my recovering and it saved me from a mental breakdown. It felt great in the beginning to have something to do during the days and it still feels great. After months of inactivity and isolation it was wonderful to be "useful" again.
Thank you for reading.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Booooring Sunday
I'm watching PSV Einhoven vs Ajax Amsterdam on TV. It's Sunday and it is once again very cold outside. It's Sunday and once again a day with feelings of disillusion and confusion. I still can't let it go - uni starts tomorrow. I'm already tired of seeing all the status updates on facebook and the twittering on this subject.
This has been a very short summer. There has not been many opportunities to see friends on a regular basis. Everybody is busy with their own lives, obligations and relations. A very clear message and sign is that this is a new phase in life. This is one of the most obvious proofs that I and the people around me now are adults. I saw on facebook that two of my old classmates from middleschool are pregnant, and there are already several others from my old class that are parents today, at the age of 21-22. Good or bad, this is the truth. I can honestly not see myself somewhere near a life like that for the coming years. There are so many things I want to experience before those kinds of things and before heavier commitments in life. That's just the way I am.
This lost year feels so wasted in some strange way, although there has been a lot of learning for me during this time. No doubt. But still it is always some source of disappointment and frustration in the middle of all of this, something that annoys me deep down inside. Annoying but there's not much to do about it.
The game just ended. PSV won 4 goals to 3.
This has been a very short summer. There has not been many opportunities to see friends on a regular basis. Everybody is busy with their own lives, obligations and relations. A very clear message and sign is that this is a new phase in life. This is one of the most obvious proofs that I and the people around me now are adults. I saw on facebook that two of my old classmates from middleschool are pregnant, and there are already several others from my old class that are parents today, at the age of 21-22. Good or bad, this is the truth. I can honestly not see myself somewhere near a life like that for the coming years. There are so many things I want to experience before those kinds of things and before heavier commitments in life. That's just the way I am.
This lost year feels so wasted in some strange way, although there has been a lot of learning for me during this time. No doubt. But still it is always some source of disappointment and frustration in the middle of all of this, something that annoys me deep down inside. Annoying but there's not much to do about it.
The game just ended. PSV won 4 goals to 3.
Friday, August 14, 2009
A Friday without any action
A colleague of mine asked me why bloggers existed. He told me that he regarded the whole blog cult as something stupid and that it was a pure waste of time, both to have one but also to read one. If I had the same view on this topic I wouldn't have had this one up for almost three and a half years, but I have to agree with him when it comes to some issues about blogging. There's too much shit and subjective thinking (for no good reason) uploaded. That's naturally the whole idea with blogging, that each and every one should have a voice in cyberspace. And of course there are both one and two (and even more) exceptions of "good" blogs. At least I know that most of my readers resent one of my biggest passions (and one of the most frequent topics on this blog: Football!). I can't help to laugh at that :).
It's Friday night, it's raining and I have a horrible headache. I feel sick and I had to cancel some plans that I had made with a friend tonight. I can hear the rain drumming on my window and the sky has a strange and boring color. The wind blows through the small opening from the window, and it chills the room down. Not long ago I was sweating from the heat. I think autumn is here now, and I think I have missed it without knowing it myself.
On Monday uni starts again in Linköping, and I believe that most of the people that I said goodbye to a little more than one year ago now are back in town for the fourth (and last) full academic year in Linköping. I feel very sad that I can't be there with them to begin the last phase of my studies. I feel sad because I know that I did not have long left (and I guess I still don't). On the other hand I am looking forward to going back to Austria because it has been something that I felt that I had to do for myself, both in terms of experiences but also because it was important to me to be with my girlfriend again. I did not have to return to Austria, it was my own decision.
While I feel weird about not returning to Linköping this weekend, I almost feel sad (already) about the fact that I'm "only" staying one year in Austria (once again twisted thinking). I see challenges as something stimulating normally, but for the moment I just feel reserved and slightly worried. I don't know what to expect of life after one year in Austria (and a continuing life + relationship in Linköping in one year from now). It's strange how one can be sad and worried about something that hasn't happened yet, but it tells me something. It tells me to appreciate the opportunity that is approaching me now. It tells me to enjoy it as much as possible, because one can never be sure how long things in life will last. My recent experiences have taught me that very well.
Aside from that, I guess things are going OK at the moment. I've been worse so to speak.
And I have felt how much my life has changed during the last three years. I feel how I have changed as a person as well. When I look back two years in time, I would never want to change it to how I have it today, and I think this is the first time that I've felt like this about life. I'm usually the nostalgic type who looks back, remembers and misses the past. Not anymore, and a lot of it has to do with the wonderful people I have met during the last year. Even though I have had a living hell with my disease and other misfortunes, I still dare to say that it's better now than it was then. When I look back at friendships that existed and that don't today, I feel some kind of satisfaction - the bad relations are now gone and replaced with fewer ones - those that really mean something. People I used to sacrifice a lot for are now out of the picture, and I intend to keep it that way.
So, I miss my old life and at the same time I don't! I miss my old friends and at the same time I don't! I don't know how my life will look like in one year. All I know is that it will feel very empty. It will feel very difficult and it will be a challenge, just like everything else has been a challenge the last few years. The outcome of all these things are impossible to predict, but I am hopeful to not feel any emptiness in one year from now. I am hopeful that I will return to Linköping with strength and inspiration to finish my "cathedral" (as my rector so beautifully put it). I am hopeful that I won't be lonely. I hope that I can look back at this year as the best year of my life.
It has stopped raining now.
It's Friday night, it's raining and I have a horrible headache. I feel sick and I had to cancel some plans that I had made with a friend tonight. I can hear the rain drumming on my window and the sky has a strange and boring color. The wind blows through the small opening from the window, and it chills the room down. Not long ago I was sweating from the heat. I think autumn is here now, and I think I have missed it without knowing it myself.
On Monday uni starts again in Linköping, and I believe that most of the people that I said goodbye to a little more than one year ago now are back in town for the fourth (and last) full academic year in Linköping. I feel very sad that I can't be there with them to begin the last phase of my studies. I feel sad because I know that I did not have long left (and I guess I still don't). On the other hand I am looking forward to going back to Austria because it has been something that I felt that I had to do for myself, both in terms of experiences but also because it was important to me to be with my girlfriend again. I did not have to return to Austria, it was my own decision.
While I feel weird about not returning to Linköping this weekend, I almost feel sad (already) about the fact that I'm "only" staying one year in Austria (once again twisted thinking). I see challenges as something stimulating normally, but for the moment I just feel reserved and slightly worried. I don't know what to expect of life after one year in Austria (and a continuing life + relationship in Linköping in one year from now). It's strange how one can be sad and worried about something that hasn't happened yet, but it tells me something. It tells me to appreciate the opportunity that is approaching me now. It tells me to enjoy it as much as possible, because one can never be sure how long things in life will last. My recent experiences have taught me that very well.
Aside from that, I guess things are going OK at the moment. I've been worse so to speak.
And I have felt how much my life has changed during the last three years. I feel how I have changed as a person as well. When I look back two years in time, I would never want to change it to how I have it today, and I think this is the first time that I've felt like this about life. I'm usually the nostalgic type who looks back, remembers and misses the past. Not anymore, and a lot of it has to do with the wonderful people I have met during the last year. Even though I have had a living hell with my disease and other misfortunes, I still dare to say that it's better now than it was then. When I look back at friendships that existed and that don't today, I feel some kind of satisfaction - the bad relations are now gone and replaced with fewer ones - those that really mean something. People I used to sacrifice a lot for are now out of the picture, and I intend to keep it that way.
So, I miss my old life and at the same time I don't! I miss my old friends and at the same time I don't! I don't know how my life will look like in one year. All I know is that it will feel very empty. It will feel very difficult and it will be a challenge, just like everything else has been a challenge the last few years. The outcome of all these things are impossible to predict, but I am hopeful to not feel any emptiness in one year from now. I am hopeful that I will return to Linköping with strength and inspiration to finish my "cathedral" (as my rector so beautifully put it). I am hopeful that I won't be lonely. I hope that I can look back at this year as the best year of my life.
It has stopped raining now.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Ten months
2009-08-04
Thank You for ten beautiful months! During these ten months I have faced the toughest challenges and period in my life, but at the same time I have been the luckiest guy on earth, all because of You! There is so much I would like to write and tell, but I will keep it short and sweet. I love You, and I have had the pleasure to "spend" ten wonderful months with You!
Furthermore I would like to publish the following:
Thank You for ten beautiful months! During these ten months I have faced the toughest challenges and period in my life, but at the same time I have been the luckiest guy on earth, all because of You! There is so much I would like to write and tell, but I will keep it short and sweet. I love You, and I have had the pleasure to "spend" ten wonderful months with You!
Furthermore I would like to publish the following:
- Söderstadion could be the most pathetic stadium I have ever seen, equal to Bårsta IP during its prime time. BUT, the atmosphere and the pressure that the supporters created was strong and mighty. Hammarby deserves a new arena.
- The stewards at Söderstadion should all apply for jobs at FBI or CIA. Their security- and safety regulations are more complex than those of the John F. Kennedy International Airport. The asswipes forced me to leave my umbrella in a tree outside the stadium and they forced my brother to drop his bottle of Fanta. I asked the motherless idiot how a 9 year old could pose a threat to the pitch and safety with a plastic bottle, considering that there was a significant distance from our seats down to the pitch (which at the same time was protected with high nets in order to prevent footballs and other objects from flying back and forth). The idiot had no answer to that question. This could be the last time I attended a game at Söderstadion. No big loss in my opinion :).
- Djurgården lost again last night. Next year their opponents will be Falkenberg, Syrianska and Qviding!
- AIK is playing poorly but still winning and preventing any conceding goals. I saw the victory agains GAIS a week ago and it was sweet!
- I hate the retards on the trains that play music from their cellphones. This is a new phenomenon and did not exist a couple of years ago. Now they're everywhere. They are loud, they pathetic and they are nine times out of ten not even 20 yet. Stupid hairstyles, stupid beards and stupid clothes. Their stupidity makes me want to cry. Enough of Lil Wayne on the trains, cut your hair and get a fucking job!!! Grow the fuck up! Gaaaaaaaah!
- August is already here, and this summer is slowly coming to an end. I have a little more than five weeks left in Sweden before a new adventure starts. I have been counting the days and weeks for some time now, and I'm glad to be heading back again. I never got a chance to finish what I started over there, and I never got a chance to live side by side with my Nicole. That's something I will fulfill!
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